Coming Out As My Full Self

posted on August 12, 2023 by Clayton.

I posted this on June 12, 2021 as my way of coming out publicly. I might say some things differently now but, as this was an important step in the process, I want to retain it in its original form.

I’ve taken a break from writing for over a month as I was transitioning from my pastoral ministry position of the last 7+ years and my home in Kansas. On May 30 I said my goodbyes to the congregation and on June 1 I turned over the keys to my house. I am now in a time of waiting to find out what is next.

For now, I want to catch you up on some of the discernment that I’ve been doing to prepare for this transition and for my future. About a year and a half ago I started asking what the next chapter of my life might look like. The pandemic obviously slowed things down for a bit but it also provided more space for considering what really matters to me. I have discerned that I still feel called to pastoral ministry and have great excitement for the possibility of serving in a congregation where I can use my gifts and passion for ministry.

The new thing, for most people, that you need to know is that I am gay. I have known this since I was a teenager. And I have wrestled with what this would mean for me for a long time. At times I lived in denial. At other times I have accepted my queerness but was unsure of what to do with it in relation to my life’s callings, especially when I felt called to pastoral ministry. Over the years, I have hidden my queerness and have masked other parts of myself because I thought I was somehow broken. In the past year I have learned to accept and celebrate it as part of how God has made me.

I want to be able to bring all that I am into my life and ministry. While I am not totally sure what this will look like, I want to be able to be in communities where I can be my full self without hiding part of who I am in fear of what others will think of me. I want to be a part of communities that say “Who you are and who you love are celebrated here.” I lament that this was not possible in my previous context, even though there were plenty of affirming persons in the area.

In the last year I have been working with a therapist, with a spiritual director, with conference ministers, and within a spiritual conversations group that have helped me to see more of who I want to be and who God is calling me to be. I am now at a place where I am ready to be open and honest that I am gay. While being gay is not the only part of my identity that matters, being able to accept that as part of the mosaic of who I am has led to a greater sense of freedom to be the person and pastor that God is calling me to be.

This is one of the final steps in a slow and meticulous process of coming out publicly. I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to do this in a way that honors my needs while respecting those around me. I look forward to being more vocal about supporting LGBTQIA+ persons and relationships as well as sharing my journey in a variety of ways. I will be looking for a church in which I can be a pastor while also being out. This is possible within some conferences/churches within Mennonite Church USA, so I am concentrating my search there.

As I join in celebrating Pride month for the first time, I want to share the words of my spiritual director, Matt Nightingale. He writes, 

When LGBTQIA+ people celebrate Pride, we’re not celebrating the pride that is harmful. Our pride is not the opposite of humility, but rather the opposite of shame. We are embracing the reality that we are who we are. We are rejecting the lies that have told us we don’t belong, that we are somehow abnormal or sick or sinful. We are refusing to live in shame any longer. When we celebrate Pride, we are celebrating that our beautiful queer bodies are made in the image of God, that our identities and our relationships are blessed and holy. We are declaring that we – like all of the things God has created – are ‘very good.’ (Genesis 1:31)¹

With God’s help, this is the way I want to live my life and the way I want to encourage others to live as well. I’m still working out all that this will look like but I am excited for what the future holds. I welcome your affirming thoughts and prayers. I also welcome well-intended conversation and/or questions. And I’m always interested in suggestions for affirming books, podcast, and other resources. 

Outside of these kinds of interactions, I am not really interested in any unaffirming, mean-spirited, and/or hateful comments. Just keep those to yourself and I suggest you ask yourself why you feel a need to share these kinds of things.

I also want to say how grateful I am for all those who have come before me. They faced ostracism and fought to help move our culture and our churches to a place where acceptance, affirmation, welcome, and celebration of our queer selves can happen. I want to continue in their legacy. For the Kingdom of God has a table big enough for everyone and I want to help see that become a reality in my communities as well—on earth as it is in heaven.

I’m sure there are many more things that I could say but I will leave it at this for now. While I do not know exactly what the future will hold, I believe that God has blessed this journey so far and will continue to be with me.